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The
Rules - This Time By Men
We
always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now
here are the rules from the male side. These are their rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" on purpose:
1. Learn
to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Birthdays,
Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we
can find the perfect present yet again!
1. Sometimes
we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1. Don't
cut your hair, ever. Long hair is always more attractive than
short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married
is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're
stuck with her.
1. Shopping
is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it
that way.
1. Crying
is blackmail.
1. Ask
for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints
do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not
work! Just say it!
1. We
don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on
a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1. Most
guys own three pairs of shoes/tops. What makes you think we'd
be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look
good with your dress?
1. Yes,
and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come
to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache
that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Check
your oil! Please.
1. Anything
we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If
you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect
us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If
you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse
to answer.
1. If
something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. Let
us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
1. You
can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want
it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it,
just do it yourself.
1. Whenever
possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher
Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
1. The
relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to
your girlfriends.
1. ALL
men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also
a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If
it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. We
are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading
ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1. If
we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will
act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is
just not worth the
hassle.
1. If
you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
1. When
we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.
Really!
1. Don't
ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation,
or monster trucks.
1. You
have enough clothes.
1. You
have too many shoes.
1. Foreign
films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee
or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're
saying anyway.)
1. It
is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz
together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
1. BEER
is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
1. I'm
in shape. ROUND is a shape.
1. Thank
you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that,
it's like camping.
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